Friday, April 3, 2015

How I Accidentally Probably Coerced a Company into Changing its Name

My fellow JBUDDicans, The long wait is finally over. I realize that you've probably been waiting with bated breath ever since that fateful post on May 24, 2010, because, as you probably remember, I concluded it by saying, "To be continued…"

Oh the torturous longing you've must have felt these past five years! I must say that I'm sorry for the mind games I've played, but as they say, "Help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who ask for it." I realize that you might not have EXPLICITLY asked for it, but I can tell by those subtle hints you've been dropping... like,
"Oh hey, what's up?" I know what you really mean:
"Are you ever going to finish that to-be-continued story?" Well... Since you asked:

On May 24, 2010 I wrote about a certain company called "Western Wats," and how they fired a girl because she wrote something negative about the company on her blog. It was pretty obvious that they had a full time employee thats whole job was to google, "Western Wats" and look for anything negative. Luckily, several months before this post, I had written a whole newsletter making fun of their name. If you don't remember, here's a refresher:

Jan. 21, 2010 

So I applied for a job at this place called, “Western Wats.” It's a call center, but you wouldn't know it by their sweet application graphics:

I think this picture pretty much explains how the application process went. It was THE weirdest application PERIOD! They kept throwing in random information in the application, in Standard Contemporary Hick Talk (SCHT) like so:

“But the west wasn't won in a day. Step inside to learn how we're different and what continues to separate us from the herd.” - wait... what am I applying for? Mercenary?

“We split the herd into mission specific corrals and opened more offices with fewer phone stations - roping them all together with a fiber optic lasso.” - Are you trying to say my co-workers will be horses? or is this supposed to be one of those parable things? ... I GOT IT, the fiber optic lasso is symbolic of the wastefulness of mankind! DEEP.

“Most built their research muscles and expertise with us as ranch hands before they threw in their stake to help build this outfit.” - WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT! can I just fill out my DANG application?!

“Have you ever done paid employment service dealing with the public?" - I'm pretty sure ANYONE could pass the interview if they're talking like that.

"whatchur readin level?"
"grade 2"
"WELL, you got me beat! ehoooo!"
(fires gun shots into the air)

And they had stupid questions like:

Please answer the following question: 
If it is 6:00 pm in Utah, what time is it in California? - Is this really relevant doc... I mean... buckeroo?

Please select the last three Presidents of the United States in Order. Choose the Current president last. 
- Jimmy Carter
- George Bush, Jr.
- Barack Obama
- Ronald Reagan
- Bill Clinton
- George Bush, Sr.
- Richard Nixon

This stuff is all for real! I just copied and pasted it all. The whole time I was just thinking, “Does this place actually exist? Or are they just making stuff up?” "Am I on candid camera?"

Long story short, they called me up like an hour later, and wanted an interview... I never showed up...

5 years later... 

The year is 2015. I sit at my computer typing. My house shakes as a kid on a hover board floats past. "Dang hooligans! I'm trying to type here!" I say with a glint in my eye.

Anyway... So remember how They had a full time employee crawling the internet for anything and everything? Well... Here's a little history lesson for ya:

1987 - Western Wats is born
1988 - JBUDD is born
Jan. 21, 2010 - I write a slanderous article about W.W. primarily making fun of their whole brand image shtick they got going on.
Feb. 02, 2010 - Western Wats files for a new trademark name, "Opinionology" and subsequently changes its name to Opinionology.

So what am I trying to say? I think I accidentally probably coerced a company into changing it's name! About 2 weeks after my post, they decided to change their name! The pen is certainly mightier than the sword my friends, and the keyboard is mightier than the pen... but it turns out that sword still beats keyboard. It's kind of a rock, paper, scissors thing...

I know what you're all thinking, "Do you think he plans it all out, or just makes it up as he goes along?"

And to that, I must say, "To be Continued"

Thursday, January 10, 2013

How to Fly for Free: Philadelphia edition

Since I missed the opportunity to share my travel log in testimony meeting the past 4 months, I'll share it here instead:

Last September I got a text from my sister saying that my free flying pass was activated.  This means that I can fly standby on United Airlines for free.  So I immediately planned a trip to Philadelphia, home of the philly.

That's Philadelphia's one claim to fame, the Philly Cheese steak...  They're so proud of it, they even named their baseball team after the sandwich.  The Philadelphia Phillies.  The one thing I learned while there is: in Philadelphia  you don't call it a philly cheesesteak, because it turns out that philly is short for philadelphia.  So the fact that you're in philly, implies that it is a philly, so it's just a cheesesteak.

I know what you're thinking, "Wait, if philly is short for Philadelphia, then wouldn't the baseball team phillies mean..."  WOAH WOAH WOAH I got to cut your train of thought off there.   Are you suggesting, dear reader, that the name means the Philadelphia Philadelphians? That's like naming the Jazz, the Utah Utahns!  GO UTAHNS GO!  OWWWW!  (that's the Utahns new cheer.)

Nope, no one's that thick.  The Phillies is referring to the sandwich.  That's why their mascot is a giant sandwich, and every time they score a run, tradition has it that a big fat guy chases the philly (the sandwich) around the field.  It's also philly tradition that every time Joe (the fat guy) catches the sandwich, everyone in the stands take a bite out of their phillies... The sandwich.  Not themselves...

Ok what am I talking about?

Travel log.  So I planed my trip and jumped on my motorcycle to head towards salt lake.  I knew fate was calling my name because the rain storms were all around me, yet I remained bone dry.  It was like there was some bigger purpose for me to go, like licking the liberty bell.  With all these thoughts swirrling thru my head like goldfish down a toilet, I finally arrived at the airport, grabbed my bag full of things, and leisurely made my way to check in.

While waiting in line to be body scanned, an airport security lady started making her way up and down the line yelling at everyone like a drill sergeant.


First of all... who still uses handkerchiefs? and secondly, aren't our cloths, and pockets made of that same material?  If that scanner can't see thru my handkerchief, then there's no way it's not getting thru these jeans.

I like the new body scanners tho;  They have a little stick figure guy in there holding his hands up looking super stoked about life.

"Walk in the tube and high five the little guy in there." I was pretty excited about that new addition.  Really raises the morale.

I got thru security and headed over to my gate, B8 and noticed my name's on the t.v.  Thought that was nice of them to do.  I was a little confused about what to do.  I felt like at any moment security would figure out that I wasn't supposed to be there, and carry me away.

I approached the lady with the almighty microphone, and asked if the stand-by's were going to get on, and I watched as her happy countenance changed to the deepest hatred.

"standby huh?  How do you live with yourself... FLYING all over for free while I'm stuck here working for nickles and dimes so that one day... I can experience this thing you call flying..."

She printed off my ticket and I was on the plane...  I buckled up and the plane almost immediately took off.  It's was like they were WAITING for me to get there... I had done it...
I had accomplished what few before me have done.  The dream.  The perfect arrival.  No waiting.

On top of that, I had just snuck onto a plane...  I didn't belong there!  I didn't pay! ... but that my friends... did not matter to those non-judgmental flight attendants. NAY!  They treated me like a king.  They even performed a little skit involving a cut off seat belt.

I bet if the plane ACTUALLY crashed, the attendants would be out of their minds excited, "I KNOW WHAT TO DO!  I've been doing this show for 10 years!  FINALLY, I get to USE this hidden talent of mine!  People will finally appreciate me!  I will have friends!"

We do appreciate our flight attendants don't we?  Not so much for the skit, but for the snack attack.

Nobody wants to miss the snack, people in the darkest deepest sleep WILL wake up for this monumental event. That's the one thing to look forward to during the flight, a shot of apple juice and 2 crackers.

     "no.... leave the can here... ;)"

I'm thinkin, "ok, i got a flight to Chicago and then another one to philly, that means between the two flights I get... a WHOLE can of coke! ...but when you add in all that ice it's more like a can and a half!"
The things that get you excited on a plane.... 

My favorite part is the turbulence...  "WEEEEEEE!"

Of course It's not all fun and games... There's always a bit of down time while flying.  During those times I usually have some deep thoughts about humanity and life...
     "I was just in a cloud..."
     "Where do you think that car's going?"
     "When's the juice lady coming back?"

Around this time the captain got on the speaker, told us we were landing in Chicago, and gave us the weather update.

I'm surprised that in the weather there still exists high and low pressure.  You'd think it'd just equalize itself out and there would just be MEDIUM pressure.

The plane landed, I walked down a tunnel into a big waiting room called an airport.  After waiting there, I walked down another tunnel into a smaller waiting room with wings on it.  After waiting in there and drinking half a can of coke, I walked out of a tunnel into a bigger waiting room, where I boarded a waiting room that was on train tracks.  After waiting there for a couple of minutes, I was in Philadelphia.

There was a two hour time difference, everyone always complains about jet lag.  What about the flight attendants? Their whole LIVES are jet lag!

I was a stow away, and made it. I kinda felt like Frank Abagnale. 

I hung out in Philadelphia.  Turns out the line for licking the liberty bell was too full.  I did eat a real philly cheese steak.  That was the big accomplishment.  Then I went home.

On my flight home from Houston  two guys sat two seats in front of me, and THIS guy (me) cracked a joke that made them laugh.  BOO YA

Here's my stalker shots of them:

Well... that's all for my testimony this month.  The church is true.  Amen.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Merry Novemberween

(This post has been sitting here as a draft for a year, so I'm just going to post it. It's a compilation of some of my status updates on facebook.)

I'm laying in bed while my roommates are watching pirates downstairs. This must be how recovering heroine addicts feel like.

I would eat a zombie's brain solely for the irony.

I just put the "please hold" music on hold. Give them a little taste of their own medicine. See how THEY like it!

Totally just fell asleep while getting my hair cut...

You know... I'd rather be a star bellied sneetch, cuz they are WAY cooler...

I hate it when people use facebook to complain about how other people use facebook. ;)

I figured it out, the antonym of Christmas is cleaning checks

Got my identity stolen today. Hope they make better use of it than I did, but the $200 transaction tells me I won't get the Nobel prize anytime soon.

A principle that has made its self manifest to me time and time again is: sk8 or die. You might think that's a little extreme, but SERIOUSLY. think about it...

In my experience, Easter bunny poo tastes better than any other competing brand.

Why are they always advertising 'oil free' acne washes? Are there companies actually PUTTING oil into their formula? I think it's a pretty well known fact that rubbing oil all over your face doesn't actually... HELP your acne. They might as well advertise other ingredients that aren't in there as well! "Sulfuric acid free acne wash!" "Molten LAVA free acne wash" "This face wash won't KILL YOU if you use it!"

If there's one regret in my life, its the fried pot pie-bologna-rice I ate.

You know its time to leave when the cops tell you to leave...

Just watched an ant drag a fly across the tile and it made me think about life... could I pull a grizzly bear to school? Long story short, I crushed the ant out of spite...

Lesson for today is: don't buy any frozen burrito cheaper than western family. They are "no bueno" if you catch my drift.

That's weird, someone just paid me 5 bucks for being nice... I feel like some sort of hooker...

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

As promised...

10 points to whoever can tell me what lines came directly from JBUDD NEWS.

I'm not going to write much so you can spend the time you NORMALLY waste on READING, and convert it to watching.

Turns out making a sitcom is A LOT of work.  So you BETTER appreciate it!
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